Childhood cancer awareness month is september and there is eleven other months that raises awareness for different cancers but we are focusing on childhood cancer. Why is it that these kids only have a month to be recognized, people treat it like it only happens in the month of september and after they go on and live their lives but what people don’t seem to understand is that 42 kids are diagnosed with cancer everyday. A majority of kids don’t make it. Parents lose their kids everyday and that pain and the thought of not seeing your child ever again is beyond heartbreaking. it affects not only parents but siblings, cousins etc.
While people are ignorant to all of this and living life so blind to this travesty. I am merely here to educate people of childhood cancer because it has such a big impact in my life going through all this myself. I encourage you to learn more and to meet some of the amazing kids because it will change your life forever then you will feel my passion for childhood cancer. It is astounding what these kids can show you and teach you, how to really live life even when they are hooked up to IVs and have no hair the positivity they give to so many people. These kids deserve to be known everyday of every year. Cancer happens everyday people should be aware of any kind of cancer we all deserve it. Even in death these kids are the happiest purest souls you will ever come in contact with.
Writing for a little while I never actually had a topic. I always wrote what was on my mind to get my feelings on paper in any moment I needed. Recently I’ve had a friend pass from cancer he was 16, I had DJ’ed his research benefit for his parents. His father gave a speech on how only four percent of hundred percent is the amount of chemo researched for kids the rest is adults. Child cancer patients are pumped with chemo specificity developed for adults and most kids don’t make it because their bodies are not the same as a adults would be. The four percent is the chance of childhood cancer patients have of living.
We all have the opportunity to fix this four percent but people are not aware of how many kids are diagnosed with cancer, they are unaware of the lives cancer takes from these kids. So my mission is clear to me now, as a thirteen year cancer survivor and having known the pain cancer brings to the table I dedicate myself to these kids and their stories. With the reality of childhood cancer confronted by toddlers, kids and teens they need to be recognized for the things they lose and the things they go through on a daily basis. Soon everyone will be fully aware of this reality for childhood cancer patients.
Cancer patients are soldiers too. We ship out to an unknown foreign place which is a hospital. We shave our heads we prepare for battle with Ivs as our guns and chemo as our ammunition. We fight for not only for our lives but for everybody at home waiting for our arrival. We lose our best friends who are also comrades in this war for survival. Forcingly moving on while we are still here fighting this enemy. We have no choice but to keep moving but also we keep moving for those we have lost. It can sometimes drive us crazy being stuck in a place where people are sure to pass away. We are stuck in a reality that is unbelievably terrifying but we know, even in a reality like this there is a special kind of bond with the ones we know and have known and the ones we will come to know in this life. A loss is still a victory and a victory requires loss.
We suffer from sleepless nights we suffer from PTSD. We cry wishing our friends were still here and at the same time asking why we’re still here. Almost driving ourselves crazy because we have questions without any possible answers. Our brains sometimes feel so over loaded due to the multiple “what ifs” “what if I didn’t have cancer”. It’s something we know the answer to at times but at other times it’s confusing. Nonetheless we are soldiers too, we fight just like real soldiers.
This weekend I was reunited with the camp/organization CAMP QUALITY, that specializes in kids with cancer and other medical problems. I went to this camp as a kid until my medical issues had elevated to a level to which I could not attend anymore. The last time I saw them was when I was about 9 years old, I am now 19. I Dj’ed their event last weekend in McKinney, Tx. I was able to see old friends and meet new ones. One special new friend, which is a LONG time cancer survivor. She was dignosed with A.M.L (Acute Myloid Leukemia) back in 1985. She has a beautiful family, a husband and an AMAZING little girl. I haven’t been around a cancer survivor in a very long time. Meeting them made me realize why I’m still here on this earth and why I survived cancer and everything else. I was reminded what my life represents not just my life but all cancer survivors. It was a reminder to this world that miracles still exist, that God exist. This world today needs miracles, people need to be reminded that HOPE & FAITH still exist. That its well, alive and thriving. So many of us have Survived. But in many so many ways have lost to cancer. We have lost months & years of our lives, also friends & families. Surviving cancer is a gift and a curse in my eyes because everyone who has been through this has a X factor on the views on life which only some can ever understand. The curse is the trauma we cope with, somtimes its unbearable and its kinda why I started this blog to get my thoughts out and to share. Our minds are on overload everyday and its exhausting but at the end of the day its always a gift. We survived and surviving takes sacrifice and alot of it. In the end we are blessed to have our lives even after the doctors told us there was not a chance of us living…But against all odds, we ARE Surviving!
Writing and making a blog was somthing I never thought I would ever do but all the things I’ve been through with cancer and other medical issues. Growing up from being exposed to cancer and very critical responsibilities such as taking certain meds, letting nurses and doctors poke at me with needles, surgeries and losing close friends. Another huge thing was missing so much school being a step behind everyone else and falling back little by little cause by medical circumstances. The stress of both of these things set in the more I grew up, overwhelming loss left me with PTSD. Always thinking about the “what ifs” and making sense in my head why all these things happened. Which have lead me to wisdom and figuring out my own way through future situations in life.My head started to over flow so I decided to write my words and thoughts down and sooner or later I stated this blog. I believe I can help people, in at least some life situations people have a hard time figuring out. All I ever wanted to do in life is help people. I personally believe words are powerful and can make a difference in people’s life’s so if I can at least reach one person with my writings than I am doing what I set out to do in the first place. Helping people even if it’s just one person. What writing means to me is too help you get through hard times and to help you understand your not alone in this life and never will be.
Some days I feel lower than the ground and I feel like I don’t belong here. Some days I feel so useless and like I’m such a bother to everyone, some days I feel like every decision I’ve ever made was the wrong one. Some days I feel like everything I’ve ever been through. The cancer, the medical issues, the less than 10% chances of living what just a freak accident and has no significant meaning and I am just convinced that it did meant something and I’m just fooling myself but some days. Some days I feel like everything I write is just pointless thoughts in my head and you won’t ever read this but somedays.
Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world and I feel soo good about myself. My decisions my actions, my appearance and my mind. Some days I’m happy as can be without any worries once so ever. Some days I’m at peace with myself, some days I want to help everyone who crosses my sight some days I’m loving as can be. Some days I want to impact the whole world with positivity and love. Some days I want to give people hope, faith and understanding because far to little people are getting that now a days I try to be the person people need when needed but everyday is a day and with that, there is always another day.
Being in the hospital with cancer at 5 years old was very difficult to understand, but then again it would be hard for any 5 year old to understand what’s really going on. I was pretty much raised in the hospital, the hospital was home having medical issues from the ages 5-16 and still going through some PTSD. Come to figure out I needed all of it to find myself I have spent a lot of time alone and in my own head being isolated from “normal people” while in a hospital bed. Around 11 years old was when the repercussions were realized. The things that happen to me were starting to be realized such as my friends passing on, the permanent side effects are of my meds. The things I wasn’t able to do like sports. A overwhelming wave of depression hit me even after I was done with my medical journey I still isolated myself from people. Still thinking of what has happened to me trying to deny it just made it worse I dropped out of highschool because it just didn’t matter to me. My thinking was more important.
Thinking eventually leads to
solution and the solution was to realize my past is who I am. Replaying my past over and over again until I realized it was all I had that meant anything to me the only thing that as given me real purpose. To truly find yourself is to be alone and analyze who you analyze everything you have been through. To find yourself you have too study yourself to come up with the correct answer for who you really are. Most people go through life with out the pleasure of knowing who they really are, I hope you find yourself soon and I hope this gives you direction to finding yourself.
The people who never give up all have on thing in common which is, when all hope is lost that is when they most likely never to give up in any kind of situation. Life has a way of making the answer to a situation the opposite of what that situation makes you feel for example. If someone you love passes on you are naturally sad but the only way to move on is to continue to be happy for them because they wouldn’t want you to be sad. Never giving up has a deeper meaning than just “Keep going” it is a key phrase for, you have fire in your eyes, you simply refuse to give up because everyone is warrior against life. There is a feeling of strength once you really decide that you won’t ever give up. Life can never beat some one who won’t give up it is simply impossible.
No matter the situation you have to know before hand that it is already decided that you won’t give up because you know nothing can defeat you and nothing ever will. There is no failure your in mind it is not a known word in your vocabulary. Only you can decide to give up or to keep fighting because hope is generated when one makes the decision to never give up. Limits don’t exist if you don’t give them reason, through anything you are going through in your life I believe you have the power to overcome it and I know you won’t ever give up.
Don’t worry sweetheart your hair will grow back. I know it’s hard for you and I know someone as beautiful as you doesn’t deserve this, to lose your beautiful hair. I envy you girls because you are stronger than boys because you lose way more than them. You still keep pushing forward, you still won’t ever give up. You girls are amazingly beautiful no matter how you look. You will always be beautiful to me with or with out hair. You girls don’t deserve scars, you girls don’t deserve IVs but you know what? You will be so much stronger as you go through your treatments and have needle pricks and feel terrible while your having your chemo. I see a strong willing young lady who is a warrior who outshines everyone else. Don’t let anyone tell you your not beautiful because you are a real life angel. I know you have insecurities but I promise it’s going to be okay. You are amazing in my eyes and you will always be beautiful to me.
While going through what you are going through only makes you a stronger woman a more independent more than a normal girl would be because you have expiernce somthing not a lot of girls expiernce and that is loss. With loss there is also gain and you will gain something that is your own the throne over cancer and you know deep in your heart that you have done something any other girl will never have and its okay to brag and to boast because you deserve it because you have been through or are going through something no girl should have to go through and you did or you are doing it as I write this. I bow down to you not only in Breast Cancer Awareness Month but everyday for the rest of my. You are the Queens Of Cancer and you will forever have my gratitude.
This is deeper than my other post on here but I made this account with one purpose and that was to share my mind with whoever stumbles on this page. I can’t tell you why I don’t sleep a lot, I can’t tell you why I’m really antisocial but at the same time I love and believe in everyone no matter who you are. I can’t tell you why I feel I have a purpose to help you with life. I can’t tell you why I’m so fragile yet I’m willing to forgive. I can’t tell you why I keep going while feeling no purpose, I can’t tell you why I get up in the morning, I can’t even tell you why I keep posting on here. I can’t tell you why I love this feeling of not knowing.
I can’t tell you why I survived cancer, I can’t tell you why I have these scars, I can’t tell you the deeper meaning to life. I can’t tell you why we go through hard times, I can’t tell you why things happens. I can tell you that all these feelings all these things. Made me and made you the people we are today and who ever you are today it’s okay to be you because I understand the person you are is only a result of your life and everyone’s life is beautiful. I can’t tell you why I don’t sleep and I can’t tell you why I’m antisocial but I can tell you why your you.