Writing and making a blog was somthing I never thought I would ever do but all the things I’ve been through with cancer and other medical issues. Growing up from being exposed to cancer and very critical responsibilities such as taking certain meds, letting nurses and doctors poke at me with needles, surgeries and losing close friends. Another huge thing was missing so much school being a step behind everyone else and falling back little by little cause by medical circumstances. The stress of both of these things set in the more I grew up, overwhelming loss left me with PTSD. Always thinking about the “what ifs” and making sense in my head why all these things happened. Which have lead me to wisdom and figuring out my own way through future situations in life.My head started to over flow so I decided to write my words and thoughts down and sooner or later I stated this blog. I believe I can help people, in at least some life situations people have a hard time figuring out. All I ever wanted to do in life is help people. I personally believe words are powerful and can make a difference in people’s life’s so if I can at least reach one person with my writings than I am doing what I set out to do in the first place. Helping people even if it’s just one person. What writing means to me is too help you get through hard times and to help you understand your not alone in this life and never will be.
Some days I feel lower than the ground and I feel like I don’t belong here. Some days I feel so useless and like I’m such a bother to everyone, some days I feel like every decision I’ve ever made was the wrong one. Some days I feel like everything I’ve ever been through. The cancer, the medical issues, the less than 10% chances of living what just a freak accident and has no significant meaning and I am just convinced that it did meant something and I’m just fooling myself but some days. Some days I feel like everything I write is just pointless thoughts in my head and you won’t ever read this but somedays.
Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world and I feel soo good about myself. My decisions my actions, my appearance and my mind. Some days I’m happy as can be without any worries once so ever. Some days I’m at peace with myself, some days I want to help everyone who crosses my sight some days I’m loving as can be. Some days I want to impact the whole world with positivity and love. Some days I want to give people hope, faith and understanding because far to little people are getting that now a days I try to be the person people need when needed but everyday is a day and with that, there is always another day.
Being misunderstood is false perception, being yourself and thinking the way you do is somthing only you can understand and it will never be fully understood. Intentions only you can understand while no one else does is being misunderstood. People will see it as obsurd, crazy, foolish and mischievous. This is the false perception so it’s okay to be misunderstood because your mind and your way of doing things is your true understanding of your self which people are sometimes afraid of this because they are scared to show their true intentions, in fear of the uncertainty of being misunderstood and the judgement that comes with that from other people. No one but yourself can ever fully understand it. We are all different people with different experiences unknowingly being effected by those experiences which makes it impossible to fully perceive one another. No one can perceive another person 100% it is impossible to do.
Everyone is misunderstood for a reason and for that reason is so we can never think like anyone else because we are not meant too. This is the key to anyone’s success is their unique misunderstandings. People are not taught to hone their own perception of their selfs. You may never realize that your thought process and the people who misunderstand it is a great power every single person owns. It is okay to be misunderstood because it is natural for a human being to have their own perception and their true views on the world. Misunderstanding is false perception and it will always be.
Am I a writer?
When my anger starts to show
No one can relate but you know
Everything I’m about to show
The thought of a talk
About all the things we used to know
Like the cancer and the scars we have
The understanding I would kill for
Just one more night of you here
Showing me you understand
Everything I fear.
It’s times like this i miss you most
Where I spend my time wishing you were here
So I know it’s real
So I know im not crazy
But unfortunately for me
I have to stay in my own mind
So people will see that I’m kinda sane
Never realizing the pain I keep in chains
Missing you every single day
I’m in a mental rage
I don’t think it will ever go away
At times like this I miss you…
Being in the hospital with cancer at 5 years old was very difficult to understand, but then again it would be hard for any 5 year old to understand what’s really going on. I was pretty much raised in the hospital, the hospital was home having medical issues from the ages 5-16 and still going through some PTSD. Come to figure out I needed all of it to find myself I have spent a lot of time alone and in my own head being isolated from “normal people” while in a hospital bed. Around 11 years old was when the repercussions were realized. The things that happen to me were starting to be realized such as my friends passing on, the permanent side effects are of my meds. The things I wasn’t able to do like sports. A overwhelming wave of depression hit me even after I was done with my medical journey I still isolated myself from people. Still thinking of what has happened to me trying to deny it just made it worse I dropped out of highschool because it just didn’t matter to me. My thinking was more important.
Thinking eventually leads tosolution and the solution was to realize my past is who I am. Replaying my past over and over again until I realized it was all I had that meant anything to me the only thing that as given me real purpose. To truly find yourself is to be alone and analyze who you analyze everything you have been through. To find yourself you have too study yourself to come up with the correct answer for who you really are. Most people go through life with out the pleasure of knowing who they really are, I hope you find yourself soon and I hope this gives you direction to finding yourself.
The people who never give up all have on thing in common which is, when all hope is lost that is when they most likely never to give up in any kind of situation. Life has a way of making the answer to a situation the opposite of what that situation makes you feel for example. If someone you love passes on you are naturally sad but the only way to move on is to continue to be happy for them because they wouldn’t want you to be sad. Never giving up has a deeper meaning than just “Keep going” it is a key phrase for, you have fire in your eyes, you simply refuse to give up because everyone is warrior against life. There is a feeling of strength once you really decide that you won’t ever give up. Life can never beat some one who won’t give up it is simply impossible.
No matter the situation you have to know before hand that it is already decided that you won’t give up because you know nothing can defeat you and nothing ever will. There is no failure your in mind it is not a known word in your vocabulary. Only you can decide to give up or to keep fighting because hope is generated when one makes the decision to never give up. Limits don’t exist if you don’t give them reason, through anything you are going through in your life I believe you have the power to overcome it and I know you won’t ever give up.
Don’t worry sweetheart your hair will grow back. I know it’s hard for you and I know someone as beautiful as you doesn’t deserve this, to lose your beautiful hair. I envy you girls because you are stronger than boys because you lose way more than them. You still keep pushing forward, you still won’t ever give up. You girls are amazingly beautiful no matter how you look. You will always be beautiful to me with or with out hair. You girls don’t deserve scars, you girls don’t deserve IVs but you know what? You will be so much stronger as you go through your treatments and have needle pricks and feel terrible while your having your chemo. I see a strong willing young lady who is a warrior who outshines everyone else. Don’t let anyone tell you your not beautiful because you are a real life angel. I know you have insecurities but I promise it’s going to be okay. You are amazing in my eyes and you will always be beautiful to me.
While going through what you are going through only makes you a stronger woman a more independent more than a normal girl would be because you have expiernce somthing not a lot of girls expiernce and that is loss. With loss there is also gain and you will gain something that is your own the throne over cancer and you know deep in your heart that you have done something any other girl will never have and its okay to brag and to boast because you deserve it because you have been through or are going through something no girl should have to go through and you did or you are doing it as I write this. I bow down to you not only in Breast Cancer Awareness Month but everyday for the rest of my. You are the Queens Of Cancer and you will forever have my gratitude.
Success isn’t logical at all because no one successful who has lived their life’s logically. The successful people stray away from other average people because they know. The people around them were not successful how they saw success in their head. People who have a dreamed of being successful realize that having the same exact routine as everyone else will not make them successful. So you have to make a decision rather too go and have faith in yourself and do what you want to do to become successful. Or stay average just like the thousands who are already are and forever will be average.
If anyone puts you down because this way of thinking try to be understanding towards them because the people around you think logical. Only because the people who put you down are not successful themselves or envy you for thinking this way. Success is a lot more than hard work, it’s faith, it’s believing in yourself 150% when no one else does. Success presents it self as a crazy idea or a crazy way of thinking that separates us from the average people.